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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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| Time: | 3:55 am. |
| Mood: | I feel SO fucked up inside. |
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I think I am losing my gag reflexes...
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:36 am. |
| Mood: | puzzled by myself. |
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My body is waging a war against itself. I live my life in extremes. I try to starve, to restrict. But then I get these cravings, and if I don't give in to them, they become uncontrollable, and I binge. And then I need to purge, because I haven't been doing this for that long, but already my body has adapted to not having much food in my stomach, and if I eat (semi-)normally, I wind up in pain. Damned if I do (my body can't take it), damned if I don't (on days I work, I get sooooooo weak, and I feel like I am going to faint). Either I have not yet reached that point where the feeling of control is so powerful as to override all other feelings (and makes you feel on top of the world), or I am just a bad eating disordered person. But Marya Hornbacher was right in Wasted, it is falling through the rabbit hole. Nothing is right anymore. Nothing is simple. Food haunts my thoughts. All day today I thought about when my next break was so that I could sit down, relieve some of this pain in my belly. I've embarked on a scary journey, and whether I want it or not, it is sucking me in. But the thing is, I DO want it. Some of the temps at work yesterday were guessing my weight for some reason (oh, that's right, they were talking about how strong I was - I AM! I retain muscle like crazy! My aunt won a BUNCH of competitions as a steroid-free body-builder.) So they were guessing 95, 105, in that range. I weigh 130 fucking lbs! And I AM big-boned with a big-frame (on a little body), and I DO have a lot of muscle, so that explains some of it, but...the only reason I can think of that they came up with those numbers is that my uniform shirt is really baggy. But it got me thinking, and...I want to be tiny. I want to be fragile. I don't want to be sturdy, and stout, and all the crap. My height is petite. I want my body to match. I want to be bony, and admired. I've NEVER been admired for the way that I look. Other than from people who love me, I've never been told I'm pretty. Cute, occasionally, but never pretty, much less beautiful. Hell, even from people who love me to DEATH, Louis (current bf) may actually have been the first person to tell me I was beautiful. Even Aaron (my ex) never said that. And cute is fine, but I am older now. And I am afraid that I am going to be "cute" forever. Ironically enough, I've been thinking a lot about it (mostly cuz I just finished the book this morning), and what Marya Hornbacher said - what is said pretty often about eating-disordered girls - about trying to slow down time, go back to the body you had as a child, stop yourself from growing up...it's all true. I am SOOOOOO scared of growing up. I was a fiercely independent child, but as I got older and my depression emerged, I grew more reliant on my parents again. There was a year or two when I was like 11 or 12, right before puberty hit, when I had FINALLY lost all of my baby fat (which stuck around for a looooong time), and I was skinny. I didn't appreciate it then, but now, in retrospect, I do, and I think I am trying to go back to the way I looked then. I was lying naked next to Louis the other night, and I looked at my body, and I was astonished. It looked like the body of a WOMAN. When the fuck did my body decide to grow up without telling my mind?! All curves and stuff...well I don't want these curves. They are in the wrong places for most clothing out there, and...[sigh] I just look yucky. But then again, back to the other hand, I don't know if I can do this not eating thing. Today my body was so ACHY at work. It hurt to lift anything remotely heavy...and that is something I am really proud of - that I am not a large person, but I am strong. It is hell getting through the day, with my body hurting and food dominating my mind. When I finally give in and allow myself to eat, I gorge, and then am so disgusted with myself (and am so damn full) that I NEED to get rid of it. I do most of my purging at work. <----How awful is that?! In the past few days, I have spent soooo much money on food that I then just went and flushed down the toilet. What am I becoming? I haven't cut in a while now...over a month, at least 5 weeks, I think. But my self-destructive nature is taking another course - though still on my body, just not quite as visible (or at least, not immediately). My goal is to be in the 120's by my cousin's wedding next weekend. I think it is easily possible. Of course, my other motivation is going to a water park (also next week), and seeing my best friend, who I haven't seen since I was at my highest weight in January.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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I fit into a pair of my old size 4s today! (Although, my mom said they looked tight, but she doesn't really grasp the whole concept of "form-fitting" jeans.) ...This is not to say I looked very good in them, but hey, the first step is fitting into them, and then I can concentrate on looking good, right?
And I was able to pull down a pair of my size 9s without unbuttoning them!
But the last time I fit into some of these pants, I was 125 and doing a lot of gymnastics. So I am confused as to how I am 10 lbs heavier, with probably less muscle, yet still fit into these.
Anyway, it got too late, so I will talk about Simmone and my ED convo tomorrow. (I promise!)
...Today ended up being a 563 calorie day, not counting what I purged. Hopefully that'll be reflected tomorrow morning. *crosses fingers*
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 10th, 2003
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Today starts my self-improvement plan
I went on a half hour walk with the dog that was 1 mile long
had a banana, salmon, 2 pieces of toast with orange marmalade, 4 "city skyline" glasses of cider and seltzer, a TJ's chocolate milk, a string cheese, a hot chocolate, some Panda Express, a bite-size Hershey's chocolate bar
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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aaron decided he liked another girl too, and couldn't decide between the 2 of us, we semi-broke-up to give him time to think, i realized i couldn't stand losing him, he realized he was thinking with the 'wrong' head, and we were happy again...mind you, he does this the weekend i get out of the psych ward! the amount of crying i did friday, saturday, and sunday nights was NOT pretty, but the funny part is that he was crying just as hard as i was, and looked about as crappy
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Friday, October 25th, 2002
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Hey everyone, and welcome to my journal. Unfortunately, because I talk about some pretty personal stuff in here that I don't want random people reading, this is a friends only journal. If you have a LiveJournal and want to be added, just leave me a note and I'll will add you, because I like to have friends...and if you don't, but still want to read about my life, go find a code somewhere and then get back to me. However, I do have a public journal at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) randomeyemotion that everyone is free to come check out; but for the most part all of the really JUICY entries are in here.
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